I enrolled Jake in school. Public school.
God sure does have a sense a humor. Joke's always on me.
I feel relieved, though, at turning over the ocean liner to Him. Because it really has felt like an ocean liner. And that's because I've been trying to steer it myself, all myself, for so long.
The moments before I release my grip is always an eternity. But with release comes renewal.
This is the longest lent I've ever lived through!
Showing posts with label Be Not Afraid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Be Not Afraid. Show all posts
Friday, June 22, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Living Out Loud
Do you live out loud?
Do your friends and family know all?
In today's age of social media I suppose living out loud via facebook and twitter and even blogging are the norm.
But how much do we really share with one another?
I have a very close friend whose worries and joys I can list immediately. And another whose struggles and triumphs are revealed after the wrap-up.
I don't think one style is acceptable over another. But it's made me aware that I live pretty quietly. My friends and family seem surprised when I reveal some inner working going on inside my psyche.
All this to say I'm not sure how I want this blogging to go anymore. There's been alot of change in this corner and I'm still deciding how to proceed. I just don't feel comfortable blogging about the process like my propensity not to share aloud the process with the intimates in my life.
My reflections are always valuable to me after the fact...maybe safer in a way as it allows me to edit ; )
Do your friends and family know all?
In today's age of social media I suppose living out loud via facebook and twitter and even blogging are the norm.
But how much do we really share with one another?
I have a very close friend whose worries and joys I can list immediately. And another whose struggles and triumphs are revealed after the wrap-up.
I don't think one style is acceptable over another. But it's made me aware that I live pretty quietly. My friends and family seem surprised when I reveal some inner working going on inside my psyche.
All this to say I'm not sure how I want this blogging to go anymore. There's been alot of change in this corner and I'm still deciding how to proceed. I just don't feel comfortable blogging about the process like my propensity not to share aloud the process with the intimates in my life.
My reflections are always valuable to me after the fact...maybe safer in a way as it allows me to edit ; )
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Growing Pains and Taking My Own Advice
There's been an increase in the calls to home from college this semester. Most of it good, some heartbreaks, and 1 medical emergency that had me driving two hours to the ER at 11 PM.
All in all I find myself mothering Cassie through growing pains. I suspect this is how it will always be because, let's face it, I'm still going through growing pains, too!
During our conversation yesterday, I was encouraging Cassie to stay true to herself. She's going through a "rough patch" and was deciding whether or not to attend a function based on her current emotional low.
I learned some time ago that true love is wanting and helping one to the "greater good." It's more than just wishing the best for someone. It's wanting to lift them to their greater good even if it means sacrifice on your part; and it usually does require great sacrifice.
In asking her to examine her decision based on humility (her true self) and love (what brings about the greater good) I realized in guiding her with the true love I feel for her I have been neglecting that advice for myself. For too long I have been allowing my emotional state to guide me through decisions.
Whose the one who needs to grow up? Yeah. That would be me.
All in all I find myself mothering Cassie through growing pains. I suspect this is how it will always be because, let's face it, I'm still going through growing pains, too!
During our conversation yesterday, I was encouraging Cassie to stay true to herself. She's going through a "rough patch" and was deciding whether or not to attend a function based on her current emotional low.
I learned some time ago that true love is wanting and helping one to the "greater good." It's more than just wishing the best for someone. It's wanting to lift them to their greater good even if it means sacrifice on your part; and it usually does require great sacrifice.
In asking her to examine her decision based on humility (her true self) and love (what brings about the greater good) I realized in guiding her with the true love I feel for her I have been neglecting that advice for myself. For too long I have been allowing my emotional state to guide me through decisions.
Whose the one who needs to grow up? Yeah. That would be me.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Enjoyment Wars
I've discovered that Tara and I really enjoy Science together. It's one of my favorite subjects, though I don't think any of my former teachers would believe me.
We are working through a course in Marine Biology created for middle-schoolers. It's a good fit for a 7th-8th grader. One of my 7th-8th graders anyway. We both get so into it and I really think it's just because we both really like science.
I've also discovered Jake really enjoys listening to literature. He loves a good story; especially when it's well written and humorous. I am relieved that gratuitous, obvious humor, though gets a laugh from his 11 year old self, also is passed over quickly. He does appreciate a well set up comedy.
Another discovery is Elaina's propension for crafts. I wish I knew how to guide her better here. She would choose any study if there's crafting involved. If I can create a craft out of algebra she'd be an engineer for sure....one of those architectural design pads maybe?
So here's my rub: I just can't seem to organize all this into a day. Or rather, I do organize it into a day but that's the whole day.
Today, for instance, I covered the essential math for the three and writing for Jake. This was the whole morning. Tara's science and our read aloud was the rest of the afternoon. Elaina crafts as she listens.
Where's the spelling, the grammar, the writing for Tara and Elaina?
I feel I am constantly at odds with what's the priority. And the time management. And satisfying everyone's learning style and enjoyment without missing some important element.
Read. Understand. Write. Express. Calculate. Compute. Understand. Express. Enjoy.
This is how we're functioning. Those are my basics.
It's all moving so slowly, though. It's moving slowly between parenting a high schooler and a college student, a parttime job with almost full time hours and a toddler who sneaks soda out of the pantry and ice cream out of the freezer while I'm distracted with read alouds, projects and the deep sea.
The goal: To instill a desire to learn, the know-how to learn and the intelligence to discern truth and express it with conviction and perhaps eloquence?
I'm still working on myself.
We are working through a course in Marine Biology created for middle-schoolers. It's a good fit for a 7th-8th grader. One of my 7th-8th graders anyway. We both get so into it and I really think it's just because we both really like science.
I've also discovered Jake really enjoys listening to literature. He loves a good story; especially when it's well written and humorous. I am relieved that gratuitous, obvious humor, though gets a laugh from his 11 year old self, also is passed over quickly. He does appreciate a well set up comedy.
Another discovery is Elaina's propension for crafts. I wish I knew how to guide her better here. She would choose any study if there's crafting involved. If I can create a craft out of algebra she'd be an engineer for sure....one of those architectural design pads maybe?
So here's my rub: I just can't seem to organize all this into a day. Or rather, I do organize it into a day but that's the whole day.
Today, for instance, I covered the essential math for the three and writing for Jake. This was the whole morning. Tara's science and our read aloud was the rest of the afternoon. Elaina crafts as she listens.
Where's the spelling, the grammar, the writing for Tara and Elaina?
I feel I am constantly at odds with what's the priority. And the time management. And satisfying everyone's learning style and enjoyment without missing some important element.
Read. Understand. Write. Express. Calculate. Compute. Understand. Express. Enjoy.
This is how we're functioning. Those are my basics.
It's all moving so slowly, though. It's moving slowly between parenting a high schooler and a college student, a parttime job with almost full time hours and a toddler who sneaks soda out of the pantry and ice cream out of the freezer while I'm distracted with read alouds, projects and the deep sea.
The goal: To instill a desire to learn, the know-how to learn and the intelligence to discern truth and express it with conviction and perhaps eloquence?
I'm still working on myself.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Mother of One
While the homeschoolers are off to Disney with grandmom and Dad I am reliving the pleasure of mothering an only child.
...and what a pleasure it is! I often joke how active Luke can be. I think I speak more of his antics of jumping off the couch, scaling the posts of the 4 poster bed, jumping from the fifth step onto the landing, etc.
However, this week with everyone gone, dare I say, he seems...well...calmer. He really does. He is playing by himself and happily keeping himself entertained with the plethora of toys and activities that are available in his space.
I am relishing the quiet time playing with him.
Yesterday I took him to the small local zoo for an outing. I expected to be chasing him through the zoo and did not expect he would stop to notice the animals for more than a minute.
Though he really didn't stop and gaze at too many animals beyond the petting barn (my least favorite, by the way) he never veered too far from me and never engaged in the "chase me" nonsense that I had been geared up for.
It was nice just to follow him along and not have to split my attention amongst the masses.
Of course, the main attraction for Luke was the playground...I knew that going in. I chuckled to myself that I basically paid $21 for Luke to play on the swings and slide.
I delighted observing Luke follow the same route to the slide. I was impressed that he waited his turn on the tire swing without the "It's my turn" pout that is common at this age. In fact, I found it funny that while he waited he posed a stance against the pole of leaning with his arm crossed and attempted to cross his ankles, too, indicating the "I'm Waiting" body language that he must've picked up here at home.
I don't know why but I was surprised when he announced he was hungry and willingly left the playground to sit and eat lunch.
I know that must sound stupid. What kid doesn't leave and sit somewhere to eat when they're hungry?
Luke. I've seen him ignore hunger, nature-calls for potty, and exhaustion to continue to play outside or on playground equipment.
After lunch we visited the area with parrots and macaws. As Luke greeted every other animal behind the fences, he says, "Hello ________ (fill in name of animal)" The parrot answered, "Hello" clear as a bell. Luke turned to me with such a curious look and said, "That bird just talked to me." He said this with a tone that denoted disbelief and a "isn't that ridiculous" twinge.
I wish I had more pictures of Luke observing the animals. He was most interested in the eagles, koi and turtles.....and of course, the parrots and macaws. He liked the flamingos and the turkey vultures. Though little impressed with the active elk, timber wolf and big horns, he was really awed by the bison. I remember Jake being impressed in the same way when he was a little guy.
I enjoyed just having Luke with me yesterday. My observances of this "new" behavior are probably noticings of normal behavior that slips by me because it's so, well, normal. The outrageous stuff is what catches my attention.
I also particularly appreciated buying a cheap toy for Luke at the gift shop. I usually can't or won't do that when it's everyone else in tow. It'll cost more than the price of admission so unless everyone brings their own dollars, I bypass the gift shop altogether.
Getting Luke to the car was seamless.
I don't know why Luke's agreeable nature took me by surprise yesterday, but it did. I think he's, on the average, pretty agreeable. I guess I just don't notice it through the busyness of our family commotion.
Cassie, 19, will often reminisce, "Remember when it was just you and me, Mom?" I always chuckle to myself because it was only "you and me, Mom" for 3 years. But I guess with just a little sister for awhile it feels longer to her.
I remembered today, Cassie. I remembered today and relished it with you.
...and what a pleasure it is! I often joke how active Luke can be. I think I speak more of his antics of jumping off the couch, scaling the posts of the 4 poster bed, jumping from the fifth step onto the landing, etc.
However, this week with everyone gone, dare I say, he seems...well...calmer. He really does. He is playing by himself and happily keeping himself entertained with the plethora of toys and activities that are available in his space.
I am relishing the quiet time playing with him.
Yesterday I took him to the small local zoo for an outing. I expected to be chasing him through the zoo and did not expect he would stop to notice the animals for more than a minute.
Though he really didn't stop and gaze at too many animals beyond the petting barn (my least favorite, by the way) he never veered too far from me and never engaged in the "chase me" nonsense that I had been geared up for.
It was nice just to follow him along and not have to split my attention amongst the masses.
Of course, the main attraction for Luke was the playground...I knew that going in. I chuckled to myself that I basically paid $21 for Luke to play on the swings and slide.
I delighted observing Luke follow the same route to the slide. I was impressed that he waited his turn on the tire swing without the "It's my turn" pout that is common at this age. In fact, I found it funny that while he waited he posed a stance against the pole of leaning with his arm crossed and attempted to cross his ankles, too, indicating the "I'm Waiting" body language that he must've picked up here at home.
I don't know why but I was surprised when he announced he was hungry and willingly left the playground to sit and eat lunch.
I know that must sound stupid. What kid doesn't leave and sit somewhere to eat when they're hungry?
Luke. I've seen him ignore hunger, nature-calls for potty, and exhaustion to continue to play outside or on playground equipment.
After lunch we visited the area with parrots and macaws. As Luke greeted every other animal behind the fences, he says, "Hello ________ (fill in name of animal)" The parrot answered, "Hello" clear as a bell. Luke turned to me with such a curious look and said, "That bird just talked to me." He said this with a tone that denoted disbelief and a "isn't that ridiculous" twinge.
I wish I had more pictures of Luke observing the animals. He was most interested in the eagles, koi and turtles.....and of course, the parrots and macaws. He liked the flamingos and the turkey vultures. Though little impressed with the active elk, timber wolf and big horns, he was really awed by the bison. I remember Jake being impressed in the same way when he was a little guy.
I enjoyed just having Luke with me yesterday. My observances of this "new" behavior are probably noticings of normal behavior that slips by me because it's so, well, normal. The outrageous stuff is what catches my attention.
I also particularly appreciated buying a cheap toy for Luke at the gift shop. I usually can't or won't do that when it's everyone else in tow. It'll cost more than the price of admission so unless everyone brings their own dollars, I bypass the gift shop altogether.
Getting Luke to the car was seamless.
I don't know why Luke's agreeable nature took me by surprise yesterday, but it did. I think he's, on the average, pretty agreeable. I guess I just don't notice it through the busyness of our family commotion.
Cassie, 19, will often reminisce, "Remember when it was just you and me, Mom?" I always chuckle to myself because it was only "you and me, Mom" for 3 years. But I guess with just a little sister for awhile it feels longer to her.
I remembered today, Cassie. I remembered today and relished it with you.
Friday, March 30, 2012
God-given Lent
I am in a bit of a posting funk. It's really feeling like a life funk, actually, but I'm trying to keep it light, here.
The change that has rippled through the house by my new hours working outside the house has been challenging on all of us; especially the children. This combined with another personal challenge has caused us to redefine ourselves.
Alot of change. Change makes a mess a bit at first. Then everything gets tidied and life falls into another routine. The constant admist the upheaveal is faith and love. God is both. God is ever-faithful even when I am not.
I am feeling as if I am walking over crevices and around a mess and I just can't seem to find that spot that will balance me enough to move forward.
So I am taking that little piece of myself that will lean on my faith to balance me.
It's a challenge.
I am grateful to my parents for giving me the structure of my faith in my formative years. For the times that I lack the fervor, the childlike faith, and the will to seek I rely on the simple memorized prayers. I rely on those small habits growing up in a culturally catholic home taught me.
Yesterday my son was confirmed into the church. Though I spent most of the Mass traveling up and down the stairwell with Luke, taking Luke to the bathroom because he's currently obsessed with checking out every toilet of every establishment we enter, redirecting Luke away from the elevator, and finally sitting in the narthex with him sleeping on my shoulder, I did catch the last 5 minutes of the Bishop's homily.
Call on the Holy Spirit. Use the first three words of the prayer to the Holy Spirit to refresh you, rescue you from temptation. Open the soul and the heart wide to receive Him. "Come, Holy Spirit." He is faithful. He will come.
My weary smile recalls the prayer said every morning and afternoon lead by Sister St. Joseph, my 6th grade teacher. The very same prayer I heard my mother pray.
The change that has rippled through the house by my new hours working outside the house has been challenging on all of us; especially the children. This combined with another personal challenge has caused us to redefine ourselves.
Alot of change. Change makes a mess a bit at first. Then everything gets tidied and life falls into another routine. The constant admist the upheaveal is faith and love. God is both. God is ever-faithful even when I am not.
I am feeling as if I am walking over crevices and around a mess and I just can't seem to find that spot that will balance me enough to move forward.
So I am taking that little piece of myself that will lean on my faith to balance me.
It's a challenge.
I am grateful to my parents for giving me the structure of my faith in my formative years. For the times that I lack the fervor, the childlike faith, and the will to seek I rely on the simple memorized prayers. I rely on those small habits growing up in a culturally catholic home taught me.
Yesterday my son was confirmed into the church. Though I spent most of the Mass traveling up and down the stairwell with Luke, taking Luke to the bathroom because he's currently obsessed with checking out every toilet of every establishment we enter, redirecting Luke away from the elevator, and finally sitting in the narthex with him sleeping on my shoulder, I did catch the last 5 minutes of the Bishop's homily.
Call on the Holy Spirit. Use the first three words of the prayer to the Holy Spirit to refresh you, rescue you from temptation. Open the soul and the heart wide to receive Him. "Come, Holy Spirit." He is faithful. He will come.
My weary smile recalls the prayer said every morning and afternoon lead by Sister St. Joseph, my 6th grade teacher. The very same prayer I heard my mother pray.
"Come Holy Spirit. Come fill the hearts of your faithful. Enkindle within the fire of your love. So they may be created and renew the face of the earth."
This lenten season I expected to be participating in the bible study group I've enjoyed in years past. I expected to go through the same rituals and practices within my family that I've always relied upon.
God had other plans. Though emotionally I have felt removed from all things Lent and Easter, spiritually God is bringing me through Lent and preparing me for renewal. It's not of anything I have been maintaining awareness. Quite the opposite; I have been avoiding connecting with it. But God doesn't let go. He is faithful despite when I am not.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Too Old for Algebra
I got a job.
It's a means to an end kind of job.
There's big changes beginning here and this is the first baby-step.
Reflecting on the necessaries for me to implement and ultimately withstand these changes I am feeling my age. Living like I'm 18 when I'm 44 is feeling like a slow hike up a large rock; it's exhilirating yet the pace allows too much time to talk myself out of it. By that I mean the "world is at your feet, you can be anything you want" kind of living like I'm 18.
Facing algebra and biology and chemistry were exciting and hopeful prospects at 18. After reviewing functions with Tara yesterday I started feeling too old for algebra. and chemistry. and biology. and being anything I want kind of thinking that sits in an 18 year old's take-off-like-a-rocket mind.
Trying to talk myself back into it this morning.
It's a means to an end kind of job.
There's big changes beginning here and this is the first baby-step.
Reflecting on the necessaries for me to implement and ultimately withstand these changes I am feeling my age. Living like I'm 18 when I'm 44 is feeling like a slow hike up a large rock; it's exhilirating yet the pace allows too much time to talk myself out of it. By that I mean the "world is at your feet, you can be anything you want" kind of living like I'm 18.
Facing algebra and biology and chemistry were exciting and hopeful prospects at 18. After reviewing functions with Tara yesterday I started feeling too old for algebra. and chemistry. and biology. and being anything I want kind of thinking that sits in an 18 year old's take-off-like-a-rocket mind.
Trying to talk myself back into it this morning.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Where's Mars?
I took Cassie to the airport this morning. She's flying solo to visit her friend 5 states away for the weekend. She booked the flight, and paid for it, herself. Since she's legally an adult going beyond the security check was not allowed for me. My husband suggested that I could just drop her off and go. She has her boarding pass and her carry on, there wasn't any reason for me to hold her hand.
I should preface this with the background info that when my children turn 13 they fly solo to visit my sister in Cape Cod. Because they are minors I am permitted to hold their hand through security and ensure they board. My sister catches them from the air as they parachute into her arms. Kind of. Anyway, the exchange is painless and the kids look forward to this special weekend with their aunt. So, Cassie has flown by herself before as that would explain why she was not the least bit nervous.
I did caution her to NOT let her guard down for a minute; especially in the bathroom, to be aware of her surroundings, people, etc. I couldn't help myself - I added that this WAS an international airport and she didn't want to enter the bathroom, only to find an ether-laced hankerchief on her nose and mouth and wake up in some unbeknownst country in God-knows-what kind of situation.
She thought that I was the pot calling the kettle black with how much I complained about the amount of TV everyone watches.
She humored me and texted me after she got through security, when she boarded the plane, when she arrived, when she was in her friend's car on their way to her dorm and I just got word that she is at the dorm. Again, I can't help myself - I texted her to have fun, be safe and take care of her diabetes.
Do you think I'll still be saying that when she's 40? Do you think she'll roll her eyes or move onto just ignoring me?
Don't worry...I also texted her to make sure her friend returns her to the airport at least 2 hours before her flight because this airport is smaller than ours and the lines at security are Disneyworld long!
When I returned home I wasn't sure what to expect. I wasn't as long as I anticipated so I really thought I'd walk in on the kids playing the Wii or watching a crummy movie.
Instead I walked in to a quiet house. Tara built a fort in her room and was reading to Luke in it. Jake was making an early lunch and Elaina was working on her planet project.
"Where's Mars?," she asked when I walked in.
On the other side of worry in some unbeknownst country called adulthood.
"Here, let me help you."
I did caution her to NOT let her guard down for a minute; especially in the bathroom, to be aware of her surroundings, people, etc. I couldn't help myself - I added that this WAS an international airport and she didn't want to enter the bathroom, only to find an ether-laced hankerchief on her nose and mouth and wake up in some unbeknownst country in God-knows-what kind of situation.
She thought that I was the pot calling the kettle black with how much I complained about the amount of TV everyone watches.
She humored me and texted me after she got through security, when she boarded the plane, when she arrived, when she was in her friend's car on their way to her dorm and I just got word that she is at the dorm. Again, I can't help myself - I texted her to have fun, be safe and take care of her diabetes.
Do you think I'll still be saying that when she's 40? Do you think she'll roll her eyes or move onto just ignoring me?
Don't worry...I also texted her to make sure her friend returns her to the airport at least 2 hours before her flight because this airport is smaller than ours and the lines at security are Disneyworld long!
When I returned home I wasn't sure what to expect. I wasn't as long as I anticipated so I really thought I'd walk in on the kids playing the Wii or watching a crummy movie.
Instead I walked in to a quiet house. Tara built a fort in her room and was reading to Luke in it. Jake was making an early lunch and Elaina was working on her planet project.
"Where's Mars?," she asked when I walked in.
On the other side of worry in some unbeknownst country called adulthood.
"Here, let me help you."
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Due Date
I am just arriving home from a baby shower that I attended out of obligation to my sister. I don't know the mom-to-be very well.
My sister asked me to attend her baby shower and to be honest, when she mentioned the girl's name my brain recalled no reference. My sister beat around the bush until she finally just blurted that she was Michael's friend...didn't I remember?
Oh.
...and she's my sister's friend, too. And my sister felt uncomfortable attending her shower alone because the young woman is connected to the memory of our brother.
I didn't want to go in the worst way. I think I behaved rudely to my sister when she mentioned it again to me. I would delay responding to her texts about it and replied blankly, as if I forgot, yet again, who this girl was, and why was I invited anyway?
I met her exactly three times, three years ago. Once at my brother's 50th birthday party and then twice again a month later at his bedside when he died and at his funeral.
My fear and sadness surrounding very personal things hindered my support to my sister. One of those things is the memory of my brother. I didn't want to remember that he died, you see. It's easier to pretend someone lives far away and just couldn't make it at Christmas. It's easier to think they're working. I don't have to connect to the reality that my brother died if I just act as if he is down the basement watching TV at my mom's house when I visit, knowing he used to be there.
When I heard my mom was going to the shower, too, I made a decision to lighten up. ....and it was a decision, just like it had been one to be rude, aloof and blind to my sister's reaching out.
I'm ashamed of my attitude towards my sister. She needed me to go to Michael's friend's baby shower. She needed me to lighten her mood, to support her. She expected it of me because she felt that I could.
I went, albeit begrudgingly.
Once there, of course, nothing felt so serious anymore. At our table sat another pregnant young mom, so full of plans and anticipation. We all laughed together.
Then the newly expectant grandmom came to us to welcome us and acknowledge that we were Mike's family. My mom's demeanor lightened, Theresa seemed comforted and I smiled appreciating the acknowledgement...but inside, very small, I heard, "He's here." Then I chuckled remembering his funny smile and off-the-wall remarks that just cracked me up.
Now I don't believe Michael is sending me other-worldly messages that he's with us. What I think is that all the locations and situations I've been placing Michael to protect myself from the pain of losing his brotherly love has shifted. He's moving closer. In my mind, I placed him where he would have really been...there, at the shower, where no man should tread! The reality that he couldn't be there moves me closer to my own "due date."
I recall this similiar shift after my father died. It was about 3 years after he died that I sat at his grave and cried.
My friends always comment how "brave" I am at funerals. In fact, I gave the eulogy at my brother's funeral.
I'm not brave. Just the opposite. I am too cowardly to share my grief. It's also a coping mechanism that allows me to emotionally detatch until it's "safe." Whatever safe means. On the upside I am able to hold it together to speak, represent, allow others to share their pain.
But I know better than to believe that is how my feelings will remain.
I feel my psyche is approaching it's own due date. I'm feeling closer to the acceptance that Mike is gone. Then I will begin the process of missing him.
My sister asked me to attend her baby shower and to be honest, when she mentioned the girl's name my brain recalled no reference. My sister beat around the bush until she finally just blurted that she was Michael's friend...didn't I remember?
Oh.
...and she's my sister's friend, too. And my sister felt uncomfortable attending her shower alone because the young woman is connected to the memory of our brother.
I didn't want to go in the worst way. I think I behaved rudely to my sister when she mentioned it again to me. I would delay responding to her texts about it and replied blankly, as if I forgot, yet again, who this girl was, and why was I invited anyway?
I met her exactly three times, three years ago. Once at my brother's 50th birthday party and then twice again a month later at his bedside when he died and at his funeral.
My fear and sadness surrounding very personal things hindered my support to my sister. One of those things is the memory of my brother. I didn't want to remember that he died, you see. It's easier to pretend someone lives far away and just couldn't make it at Christmas. It's easier to think they're working. I don't have to connect to the reality that my brother died if I just act as if he is down the basement watching TV at my mom's house when I visit, knowing he used to be there.
When I heard my mom was going to the shower, too, I made a decision to lighten up. ....and it was a decision, just like it had been one to be rude, aloof and blind to my sister's reaching out.
I'm ashamed of my attitude towards my sister. She needed me to go to Michael's friend's baby shower. She needed me to lighten her mood, to support her. She expected it of me because she felt that I could.
I went, albeit begrudgingly.
Once there, of course, nothing felt so serious anymore. At our table sat another pregnant young mom, so full of plans and anticipation. We all laughed together.
Then the newly expectant grandmom came to us to welcome us and acknowledge that we were Mike's family. My mom's demeanor lightened, Theresa seemed comforted and I smiled appreciating the acknowledgement...but inside, very small, I heard, "He's here." Then I chuckled remembering his funny smile and off-the-wall remarks that just cracked me up.
Now I don't believe Michael is sending me other-worldly messages that he's with us. What I think is that all the locations and situations I've been placing Michael to protect myself from the pain of losing his brotherly love has shifted. He's moving closer. In my mind, I placed him where he would have really been...there, at the shower, where no man should tread! The reality that he couldn't be there moves me closer to my own "due date."
I recall this similiar shift after my father died. It was about 3 years after he died that I sat at his grave and cried.
My friends always comment how "brave" I am at funerals. In fact, I gave the eulogy at my brother's funeral.
I'm not brave. Just the opposite. I am too cowardly to share my grief. It's also a coping mechanism that allows me to emotionally detatch until it's "safe." Whatever safe means. On the upside I am able to hold it together to speak, represent, allow others to share their pain.
But I know better than to believe that is how my feelings will remain.
I feel my psyche is approaching it's own due date. I'm feeling closer to the acceptance that Mike is gone. Then I will begin the process of missing him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)